A teen moms worries

I feel my baby kick, our baby Imara Shaunte' Leon, and I wonder how she feels, they say everything that I go through she does to and I feel guilty cause im honestly going through a lot. As if bad grades and the stress and flashbacks of my past arent enough, I've been sent into a deeper depression by the fact that the love of my life, the father of my baby has moved on and is now seeing another girl, and he keeps telling me its nothing serious but its not fair to me or Mara I mean right now as im trying to go through everything I could really use seeing him at the end of a hard day, and less face it, if he's with her, it just has me so scared, hes a wonderful dad so far i see the effort there I just think about the past and the future, we were engaged and so happy and i dont i just dont know when and where it went wrong, and why we cant get it back, and im sad because once this baby gets here she gonna be from house to house, different rules, schedule, no matter how close we try to keep it, somebody might miss her first word, her first step, and thats not fair to any of the 3 of us. I have one daughter that I gave up and that i missed all of this for, I dont, I cant, I cant do this again. Mara means the world to me, Garfield means the world to me, thats my family, and I dont know i dont even want to imagine how its gonna work. I love them, and i just want us all to be happy, I want her 2 have 2 parents together cause me nor her father were that fortunate and to think of anything else is hard, its hard and i wish the thoughts were impossible.

Confusion

It's true that the mind knows not the desires of the heart, but God also gave us common sense.

So now I ask what do we do at love's crossroads. Do we listen to the sway of our hearts, and the joys of the thoughts, as we envision the happy ending ending we saught.

Or do we take of the rose glasses and worry about the past, and if all those ties are really said and done, do we take them for their word or watch like a hawk for that clue that it all was a lie

Or do we fall in between not to careful not to mean, but even if we do do we take the title or let it die.

Everything in me wants to run back to you, for more then just the fact that your the father of my child.

But it is our baby that pulls me away cause i love you and i might surivie if you hurt me again, but i dont want the confusion in front of my child...

Thinking....

I now understand fully why the bible says what it does, and 4 all those assuming it's not to rag on the baby daddies, but its because it's not fair 2 u, the other person, or the child 2 do it any other way. Most of us now a days come from a broken home and true we survive but at what cost, things were designed 4 the easiest flow 4 everyone, if u dont have anybody who gonna be right there 4 u u suffer, without a solid one ruled home the child is confused, when the timing not right people freak, split, hurt, all kinds of things, maybe we'll learn to slow down one day...

Growing Pains

We live and we learn right. That is ont phrase that is said 2 often, however it reigns true. Everyday we are faced with something and at the end of it were suppose to walk away having learned something and when we dont well u best believe your going to keep being put in that situation until you do, because until you learn you will fall for the same trap. The key though is to live and to keep living, for it's when we stop living and just start surviving that we stop learning and just cast aside, which needless to say not only doesn't work but often times leaves you paralyzed, you need to grow, you need to get bigger, stronger, faster, wiser, and yes it may cause pain but no pain no gain right....

I SURRENDER ALL

All to Jesus I surrender all, to him my blessed savior, i will ever love and trust him in, his presence, daily live, I surrender all, to you Jesus, I surrender all, and all to him my blessed savior, I surrender all. One of my favorite songs. Even though it may be about submitting, I love it because Jesus is the only person you can fully submit to. The only one who can pick you up out of any situation. No matter what. He is a just God, a loving God, the King of all kings, my Lord and Savior, and it is to him i submit.

Everyday is a blessing, even if it does feel like a curse. So much may happen, but despite that we should all have a many a reasons to smile. For the Lord takes care of his children. He protects us from dangers seen and unseen, he blesses us in so many ways, we don't even have room to receive. Yet so many times we don't even say thanks. But does that stop him, no, he keeps right on.

I smile because I can, I stand because he picks me up, I walk because he leads me, I live because he said so...

I really am at a lost for words right now, trying to hold on but everything around me is crumbling in. You would think with all going on around me I would be doing better then what I am right now, but for some reason my whole path is getting dimmer and dimmer by the day. Right now, my high risk pregnancy is standing strong but fading, and by the grace of God im praying that i make it to the end. However the wear and tear is appareant, if anyone even cared, im slowing down, im fighting hard, but if it's not one thing. Damn that Murphy's Law, but hey I know life is not fair. I just honestly need some type of something to help me stand my ground. Cause the more that I keep trying. The more I keep hitting the ground.

Today's Thoughts

Well today was a rather interesting one for me. It held so much wait and so many tears. I dont talk about it much, cause I hate to complain, but im sick, and I could be dying, yet I keep fighting. Im in and out the hospital for my child all week and myself all weekend. Im in constant pain, and constant emotional pull. Yet everyday I wake up, and even though I may not be as fast as I once was, I keep going. I keep fighting. I guess I never expected to see myself in this situation and as odd as it seems; even if i had to go back I would still choose my route. What you go through may have the capacity to tear you down, but it can also build you up, and just fighting for that happiness, that peace of mind, that love, trust, and faith and God. It makes my daily fight worth it. Until the next time. I will be a fighter for life...

Bittersweet(Love's Paradox)

what i feel for you
cannot easily be explained
its like a cold sunshine
and a cloudless rain
i love you always
but i hate you to
no scratch that i hate
some of the things that you do
its like when im around you
my world lights up
you love me for me
and its pure never rushed
but its how you really feel
it comes from the soul
but where that love is
something bad flows
its that uncontrolable fear
that not wanting to lose
but in reality your not gaining much to
i mean if you dont know by now
imma always be here
and its nothing that can make me
change how i feel,
but although you make me complete
you leave me empty
cause when you leave
so does all the promises you give me
and im honestly going crazy
dont quite know what to do
in my heart i feel a hole
cause you left me open
so now im bleeding for you
and with the blood comes the tears
dripping into my soul
and stinging me from within
but with the sting
is a little solitude
cause i know in the end
you will fix that to
i know when you hold me
that we have something real
i know when you kiss me
that my home is near
its crazy how i sit here
praying, hoping, wishing
results that once seemed clear
are now confused
i need an intermention
for my life cause where its headed
im afraid to do the show
baby im tired of the acting
i dont want to play no more
but im happy when im with you
i feel a sense of peace
and i know that this is long
but my heart just wont stop its release
until you come and repair the damage
for you alone it will beat.
so many memories and so many last
the tears i cry are for the good and the bad
when i look at you i see my forever
when im anywhere near you
my future seems bright
what im feeling is unbelievable
immposible to most
but the emotions are as real
as light and dark
im right at the entrance
standing in the door frame
searching for the light switch
so that the darkness in the next room
is no more
fighting this battle that i know i can win
and seeking eternity
in a gamble but confident imma win
i cant promise you a friendship
cause our hearts have promised more
thats why we just cant part
even when we tell each other to go
and deep down we dont want to part
were both lost confused
but the only differnce is
in the end i would choose you
but im not going to rest on your decsion
cause i know that your not sure
i mean i guess ive just grown a lot
and you have a little ways to go
so i end this asking this one little thing
dont push mylove away
cause all of my concern and care
is what makes my heart your resting place
and you dont want to leave it
and that i do really know
you just need to believe
so im trying not to go
you have had a hard time
and i know it
and i just wont back away
i wont let you struggle
and i wont cause you pain
but now all i am saying
is that you cant go that far
deal with on your own go ahead
but dont punish me by taking back your heart
cause i have done nothing wrong
all ive done is cherish you
and i cant be your friend
but ill never leave you....

Untitled

It's taking all my strength

Not to pick up the phone

Dial your number

And let you take my pain away

The very same pain you cause

But your the only person on this earth

That can do both so effectively

Here I go picking up my phone

Then telling myself to be strong

And sitting it back down

Cause I can't

I WONT

Use you as a crutch any longer

I need to stand on my own two feet and be strong

Ive got to keep going on

Im just so use to having you

So use to using you

Damn, ive even convinced myself

That I'm honestly needing you

But NO, I can do this

I can make myself smile

I can push fear aside

Take a walk on the unknown side

It's just with you I'm so content

But is that how I want to be

It's natural to go for the norm

But is normal at any rate me

No, I'm stronger then this

Your just a part of my past

Small talk is all your gonna get

Cause your still my little blessings dad

But my heart you had and ripped apart

So no longer will I run into your arms

I'll be strong

I'll no longer use you as a crutch to carry on

Secrets of a Broken Heart

You said it better other's hurt.

I know see you meant the truth,

Cause what you laugh off as fun and games,

Has me crying in my pillow,

And wanting to be far away.

The pain that you instill within me,

Is far worse then you can see,

And I try to laugh it off,

But the tears fall faster then you would believe,

I mean you wanted me to care and I do.

But there's a reason I never before let that side show.

And it's because when I fall in love boy do I fall.

And me without you, is like a day without sun.

It doesn't exist because without light our thinking and words

Change from day to night

And suddenly there's a fright

Because we can no longer see

And terrors rain rampid,

And faith must successed,

Were blinded,

Just like I whenever it comes to you,

Cause you hurt me tonight,

But tomorrow I'll still run to you.

You say you owe me, after all you put me through

Yet you keep testing my limits,

Like I can NEVER run away from you,

Is that true?

Do you really look at me and see forever,

But a forever that's to lenient and so you play games,

Until I weather and threaten to run

It's a shame it takes a threat to make you treat me right

And then your only there long enough to keep me dancing

Cause your gone again, but I still don't take flight

It's like were in an endless game of cat and mouse,

And I've given you all the power,

But no more will I let you continue to steal

What's left of my soul

But then again I love you so I might

God, this is sad

I need the strength to get up and fight

When it hurts so bad

I hate being at a place of confusion.

Where I dont know what to do.
I hate that fact that I can see through you to what's wrong.

But, either you cant see it or you don't want to believe it's true.

I hate that now we bith are hurt, because you insit on being so unfair,

I hate that you cant see that your hurting us both more by dragging this on like you don't care.

I hate how much I love you, and how I still want to try.

I mean I've been hurt so much in my life.

You think I wouldn't always insit on countinuing to try.

But unfortunately for my heart that's just how I am.

And why I made the promise to you.

That until you said you didn't love or want me.

I would always fight for me and you.

But do I still have the strength?

Do I possess the power?

With all I'm going through.

Can I really wait?

Or take this chance on faith?

When every moment without you.

Puts tears on my face :-(...

Cant stop the rain

I wish there was something i could do. To get back in your arms. Cause although you say you don't know what's going on. I got a good idea that I know why you have so much pain. I understand the man code and all you want to do, and i know right now it's hard cause im taking care of me and you, caring a baby, and staying in school, but I never really cared, cause I understand what your going through. I just wish you had that same faith. I wish that you would pray. I wish your ego would come down, and then we could be happy again. I know you put me through a lot, and im not trying to give you an excuse, it's just you using my forgivness as a way to walk away when it should bring us back and i get it your hurting, well im hurting to, but in your heart you know you love me, and i just want our family back too.

Exercise 1.1

Who are we as writers...we are always growing and changing, learning more and fine tunning what we are doing, as far as lanugauge goes, honestly i write pretty much like i talk and so im learning how to vary my diction and use langauge and langauge devices, however, i still have a long way to go. I'm always very much a realist do fantasy writing and fairy tales I cant really do. I write from life and about life and therefore i like things straight up, my imagination with my life is not really wild. I rarely have trouble getting and expressing ideas but as with all people there are times when i get stuck with that i generally go listen to music, watch some tv, look out the window, call somebody and draw some inspiration that way. I use to worry a lot about grammar and spelling until i learned that you dont need to worry about them until the end so i just free write and revise and have someone else revise later, and finally i do believe that everyone understands my wirting because since it's about real life things everybody can relate.

The Things I Carry

Author Mark Caine says, "The first steps towards success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yoursef." Now just what does that mean? We find ourselves in different situations -- living in singke parent homes, having parents suffering frim addictions, being addicted to things ourselves, but what we go through determines if we'll break or if we'll stand strong. So how do we make sure we prevail? We must condition ourseles to conquer.
At the start of every morning - I stop and pray or just sit quiet and prepare for the day ahead. As I enter those crowded hallways of UB, filled with students and teachers, I carry a backpack. In it I carry a couple of notebooks, folders, pens, and pencils. I carry the textbooks for each of my classes for the day. I also carry determination and strength that even i didn't know I possess.
Clearly I hear my grandmother's words -- the words she says almost everytime she see's me: "You know you're the first of the grandchildren to make it into college with a free ride, and you should be proud. Were really counting on you to do great things!" As I look at the state of my affairs now. Me single and pregnant, in school, working a part-time job and searching for another or a full-time night position. I cant help but wonder if I've let them down. So everday now I try my best to carry on, to focus on the task of graduating -- even on those days when morning sickness, tiredness, and doctor appointments crowd my day, and I'm anxiously preparing to be a mother.
My family used to be so string and put togegther, in the church every time the doors were open, but then my parents began to use drugs and life hit a downward spiral. My parents argued all the time, my father lost his job, and next thing I new he was moving of to Florida, leaving us with an outstanding debt of $5,000 dollars to give to multiple drug dealers. If that weren't hard enough I was raped, got pregnant and at the age of 18 when everything was finally over I had had 5 abortions and 4 misscarriages. I would cry into my pillow every night hoping and praying that it was all a dream and that tomorrow I would wake up and still not suffer from the invisible scars.
After that,with the harsh reality of being left to raise three kids on her own, my mother realized that it was time to get her life on track, for all of our sakes. So she went back to church, stopped using and now we live in a house that we are buying ourselves.
I carry the pain, the flashbacks, the war scars both visible and non-visible, and I carry the memories everday. Yet, as I carry the load of my environment, I also carry the faith and the hope in the fact that I can change. In the fact that I can be whatever I want to be. I dont have to wonder around and become a lost soul and just simply give up because I have endured a hard past, or am currently facing obstacles.
I carry the strength to fight for my dream -- to be a CPS social worker and help some innocent child like someone should have helped me, and i have no intentions of letting people or setbacks stop me. I move forward and discard of all the unnecessary things, I control the things I carry, they do not control me.