A teen moms worries

I feel my baby kick, our baby Imara Shaunte' Leon, and I wonder how she feels, they say everything that I go through she does to and I feel guilty cause im honestly going through a lot. As if bad grades and the stress and flashbacks of my past arent enough, I've been sent into a deeper depression by the fact that the love of my life, the father of my baby has moved on and is now seeing another girl, and he keeps telling me its nothing serious but its not fair to me or Mara I mean right now as im trying to go through everything I could really use seeing him at the end of a hard day, and less face it, if he's with her, it just has me so scared, hes a wonderful dad so far i see the effort there I just think about the past and the future, we were engaged and so happy and i dont i just dont know when and where it went wrong, and why we cant get it back, and im sad because once this baby gets here she gonna be from house to house, different rules, schedule, no matter how close we try to keep it, somebody might miss her first word, her first step, and thats not fair to any of the 3 of us. I have one daughter that I gave up and that i missed all of this for, I dont, I cant, I cant do this again. Mara means the world to me, Garfield means the world to me, thats my family, and I dont know i dont even want to imagine how its gonna work. I love them, and i just want us all to be happy, I want her 2 have 2 parents together cause me nor her father were that fortunate and to think of anything else is hard, its hard and i wish the thoughts were impossible.

Confusion

It's true that the mind knows not the desires of the heart, but God also gave us common sense.

So now I ask what do we do at love's crossroads. Do we listen to the sway of our hearts, and the joys of the thoughts, as we envision the happy ending ending we saught.

Or do we take of the rose glasses and worry about the past, and if all those ties are really said and done, do we take them for their word or watch like a hawk for that clue that it all was a lie

Or do we fall in between not to careful not to mean, but even if we do do we take the title or let it die.

Everything in me wants to run back to you, for more then just the fact that your the father of my child.

But it is our baby that pulls me away cause i love you and i might surivie if you hurt me again, but i dont want the confusion in front of my child...

Thinking....

I now understand fully why the bible says what it does, and 4 all those assuming it's not to rag on the baby daddies, but its because it's not fair 2 u, the other person, or the child 2 do it any other way. Most of us now a days come from a broken home and true we survive but at what cost, things were designed 4 the easiest flow 4 everyone, if u dont have anybody who gonna be right there 4 u u suffer, without a solid one ruled home the child is confused, when the timing not right people freak, split, hurt, all kinds of things, maybe we'll learn to slow down one day...

Growing Pains

We live and we learn right. That is ont phrase that is said 2 often, however it reigns true. Everyday we are faced with something and at the end of it were suppose to walk away having learned something and when we dont well u best believe your going to keep being put in that situation until you do, because until you learn you will fall for the same trap. The key though is to live and to keep living, for it's when we stop living and just start surviving that we stop learning and just cast aside, which needless to say not only doesn't work but often times leaves you paralyzed, you need to grow, you need to get bigger, stronger, faster, wiser, and yes it may cause pain but no pain no gain right....

I SURRENDER ALL

All to Jesus I surrender all, to him my blessed savior, i will ever love and trust him in, his presence, daily live, I surrender all, to you Jesus, I surrender all, and all to him my blessed savior, I surrender all. One of my favorite songs. Even though it may be about submitting, I love it because Jesus is the only person you can fully submit to. The only one who can pick you up out of any situation. No matter what. He is a just God, a loving God, the King of all kings, my Lord and Savior, and it is to him i submit.

Everyday is a blessing, even if it does feel like a curse. So much may happen, but despite that we should all have a many a reasons to smile. For the Lord takes care of his children. He protects us from dangers seen and unseen, he blesses us in so many ways, we don't even have room to receive. Yet so many times we don't even say thanks. But does that stop him, no, he keeps right on.

I smile because I can, I stand because he picks me up, I walk because he leads me, I live because he said so...

I really am at a lost for words right now, trying to hold on but everything around me is crumbling in. You would think with all going on around me I would be doing better then what I am right now, but for some reason my whole path is getting dimmer and dimmer by the day. Right now, my high risk pregnancy is standing strong but fading, and by the grace of God im praying that i make it to the end. However the wear and tear is appareant, if anyone even cared, im slowing down, im fighting hard, but if it's not one thing. Damn that Murphy's Law, but hey I know life is not fair. I just honestly need some type of something to help me stand my ground. Cause the more that I keep trying. The more I keep hitting the ground.

Today's Thoughts

Well today was a rather interesting one for me. It held so much wait and so many tears. I dont talk about it much, cause I hate to complain, but im sick, and I could be dying, yet I keep fighting. Im in and out the hospital for my child all week and myself all weekend. Im in constant pain, and constant emotional pull. Yet everyday I wake up, and even though I may not be as fast as I once was, I keep going. I keep fighting. I guess I never expected to see myself in this situation and as odd as it seems; even if i had to go back I would still choose my route. What you go through may have the capacity to tear you down, but it can also build you up, and just fighting for that happiness, that peace of mind, that love, trust, and faith and God. It makes my daily fight worth it. Until the next time. I will be a fighter for life...